I've done too much damage to this blog and I'm not the same person that use to write here, so I'm not writing in it anymore.

If you're interested in following me, my new xanga is:

starlightsymphony.xanga.com

this one won't be deleted, but it will be very private.

I want to get away and go to the mountains, like I was able to do on a moment's notice when I lived with my Dad. Now I'm tied down to Salem because of my shortage of gas and my lack of money. I feel like I'm going insane and I need to get out of here before I completely lose it.

I need to feel the cool August breeze and see the beautiful city from the top of the mountain. I need to forget everything that's happened and let go of what will never be. You told me a lot of things that I'm glad I never gave into, I could have easily fucked up that night, but I didn't. I don't give myself enough credit, I'm a lot stronger than I think. I can't even find the will to be mad at you, because I've always known that this is the kind of person you are. I care about you, but I know it will never be shared in the same way; you only say those sweet words when we're drunk and I'm the only girl around. I need to stop looking behind me at the one night that everything could have gone wrong, and focus on what's in front of me and what's going to be there for the long-haul.

I'm sure while I'm up there, every word we shared that night will echo in the back of my head, but they'll fade away once I think about it long enough and remember that you're just another animal looking for your next lay.

This week was strange, when I got stressed it was pretty intense. I can honestly say before now, I have never been that stressed in my life.

I never realized how hard the trucking business is, although having more drivers and office help would be nice, we have to make due with what we have. I've gotten myself into a lot over the past few days. So many stressful situations, I don't even know where to begin or how to even explain them. But there's a lot of yelling involved... a lot. The more I was yelled at, the more stress I could feel in my body. I could feel my brain tensing, my fingers itching to move, my foot tapping the floor at a ridiculous tempo. It was a lot to handle. At one point I had to get up and go to the bathroom to cry, I didn't care if they couldn't handle the phone calls, I needed my own damn moment to breakdown. I locked the bathroom door and leaned against the wall, breathing in and out while tears poured out of my eyes. I didn't know what was going on anymore. I didn't care.

Ronald texted me one day while I was working, all he said was, "I'm sorry."
I stared at the message, waiting for him to text back, "Sorry! Wrong person!"
Nothing came.
"You're sorry? For what?" I asked.
"A lot of stuff, I don't even know where to begin..."
I still waited for the "oops! sorry! wrong person" text, but it still never came.
"You could start anywhere. I'm kinda confused."
"Let me start with the way I treated you. I'm not sayin that to try to be with you or anything. I guess now that I'm older I realize my actions were childish."
"It was high school, we were all childish, and we've all grow up now."
"I did it after high school too. And I shouldn't have. I was horrible to you."

I sat there and thought about it, remembering everything that happened. I realized that it was all the in past. Sure, sometimes I live in the past, but eventually I get over it. It was the same with this. I was over it. He's been nice to me now, and that was all the mattered to me. We all have grown up, we've all changed, and we're all still changing.

"It's okay, really, I appreciate you apologizing to me, because that means a lot to me. But I had forgotten all about it."

He never texted me back after that.

I like driving around, and pissing someone off near me that's driving because they're trying to pass me at 75mph. I like pretending like I don't know that they're doing it, or like it isn't phasing me at all. Then, when one of us is about ready to turn somewhere or go a different way, I stick my tongue out at them just to let them know that I was doing it on purpose all along.

Oh yes, I have a strange form of road rage.

I feel so lucky to have found Chris and he reminds me of how lucky he feels as well. He tells me that he never thought he could love anyone this much, and I feel the same way. It's hard to believe this summer that I was laying on the ground in front of his apartment, and he walked up and we quickly introduced ourselves and he was gone. And now, I drive home to lay in bed with him and watch a shit ton of Netflix; laughing at Family Guy, South Park, The Office and Futurama, even though we're quickly running out of episodes to watch. We don't annoy each other, we hardly get into fights. It's like everything is perfect, it's this amazing dream I'm always afraid I'm going to wake up from. I don't regret anything I am so happy with the way my life is now. Now that we have the gushy stuff out of the way...

Work is stressful, we seem to have more bills coming in every night and sometimes I can't keep up between setting up appointments, scanning everything in the system, dispatching for all the drivers, dealing with some of their mood swings, trying to explain to someone over the phone that I can't help them and that they need to call the terminal in Detroit, because I honestly have no idea if they are hiring.

Christmas piled on top of this doesn't make things better, I'm worried about paying my cell phone bill tomorrow, because if I can't go to work, I won't get money and that would not be cool. I've never been late on a payment. And I can't afford to do it now. Not to mention, I haven't had time to get a single present... and our family's Christmas get-together is this coming Sunday... Last year I was so good about getting presents, and I even worked a shitty paying job at Ben and Jerry's. This sucks so bad, I know my family won't be too mad at me if I can't get them any gifts or anything. I had to get a part to fix my car and that threw me back a hundred dollars, I have to buy groceries, keep myself fed and warm.

AHH, THIS SUCKS.

/rant

I said something really stupid last night. Really fucking stupid. I told Chris I loved my cat just as much as him, it didn't seem like a big deal to me, because she's a cat, but he was so pissed off about it after I said it. I apologized numerous times, and asked him if there was anything I could do to make up for it, he still told me 'no'. We went to bed, neither one of us saying a word to the other, not saying goodnight, or that we loved each other. Whenever he touched me on accident, he would move away. I don't even know what to do, I don't know how to make it up to him, or make it better, or even the right words to say to make it okay. I feel like this is breaking us apart just by the way he's acting. But this is too small to make us fall apart, it's a small mis-step, it's something we should be able to get past. I'm guessing the first fight always determines what's going to happen with a relationship, it can make you, or break you.

The other day, I heard someone was killed in Radford, I couldn't believe how spiteful I sounded when I thought, "I wonder if it was Duston." I know for the most part I would feel really bad if it was him. He lied to me, but we shared a lot at the same time. I told Chris about what I had thought, asking him if it made me sound bad. He shrugged it off, but asked, "What did he do that would make you that spiteful?"

"You know how we are together? Like it seems we were made for each other and that we have so much in common and that we always get along? How you tell me that I'm the perfect girlfriend, and that you see yourself being with me for a long time? How you compliment me on how cute I look or tell me I look pretty today, or how we know how to get each others jokes? You remind me how comfortable you are around me or how you want to be around me all the time, all of these things that make us who we are together?"
He nodded.
"It was the same way with him, but he was bullshitting all of it. Before that I had been with guys who told me they didn't have time for me, and he lied and said he would always make time. He got two jobs and all of the sudden he couldn't keep up with me, although it was pretty obvious he could have. He made me think we were perfect for each other, when in reality, he didn't give a shit."

I've pretty much moved into Chris' apartment. Sometimes I feel bad for staying here all the time, like Josh (his roommate) doesn't like me being here all the time and making myself at home. Soon Butters will move in and I'll feel a little bit more comfortable. I'm really glad that I don't live at home anymore. I miss my dad and my cat, but that's about it, I go home to visit the both of them everyday. My cat misses me all the time... it's really cute but it makes me sad at the same time.

I came home from the dreaded 9 hour Driver Improvement class, my mind was fried, my stomach was roaring with hunger. I stood in the doorway, my hair covered in oil from the lack of a shower, my eyes about ready to fall shut because of the 3 hours of sleep I got. I had been a nervous wreck while I was there, the guy beside me kept telling me he thought they were going to drug test us, and I know I would have been so screwed. Before I had even gotten there, I had laid in bed hoping that I could fall back asleep and pretend like I missed class, or that I wouldn't make it there on time if I drove slow enough, but I wasn't going to be that lucky this morning.

I had called my dad on the way home and asked if he wanted to go out for dinner or anything, I told him I would pay for myself, completely forgetting I could pull the, "It's almost my birthday!" card. He had said they were tired and didn't feel like going out and wanted to order some pizza or something. I was fine with it, I was going to ask for Pizza Hut so I could maybe get Chris to deliver.

"Where do you wanna go for your birthday?" He asked. "We changed our mind since you won't be able to go out and eat dinner cause of your job."
I grinned, "Outback?"

We just got back from there, I had a nice steak and shrimp and free ice cream as a birthday present from Outback.
I came home and Dad gave me a shirt with peace written in a bunch of languages a huge piece sign on it, and some money.
Considering that the driver improvement class and my cell phone bill almost made me completely broke, I was really happy.
I thought this birthday was going to be worse than last years, but I realized it's nothing close, all of my family is here, and I have a great boyfriend, and I have great friends.

Fucking government trying to ruin my birthday with suspended licenses and driver improvement class?
I don't think so.